you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
