The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
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I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
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Can you bring me the toilet please
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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