i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
