This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
