my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
