Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
