can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
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I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
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It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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