Will you blow on my dice?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
