The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
