id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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