remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
