you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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