I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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