maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
