Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i came on her dog
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
