No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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