...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
