If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
