Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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