So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
