i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
