I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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