fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
