just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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