This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
