apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You can't special order awesome
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
