whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
