So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
