i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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