You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
