The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
