I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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