My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
