My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
