If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
