Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
