names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
