I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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