oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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