Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
