I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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