atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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