last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
