I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
