I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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