Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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