Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
