If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
