she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
