he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
