took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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