my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize
