my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
