i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm passing your future prison.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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