the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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